I couldn't sleep. Switched on my laptop and then surf a while, then tried to sleep. Tossed and turned around. But still couldn't sleep because my mind was full of him. It's been a month plus. Flashing in my mind was memories, moments i could never forget.

I re-read the sms you sent to me.

You said you hope i could understand.. You have your own set of problems.. And it's unfair and it's not that you totally don't love me anymore.. You still love me and thats why when i prompt you for the final decision, you couldn't bear to say it on the phone.. I asked if you still love me, you replied harshly, No i don't love you anymore. I cried and did my best to salvage this relationship.

You said there was no hope.. You refused to tell me whats on your mind even after countless attempts to make you talk.. I tried different handphone numbers to call you.. You picked up but talked to me in a cold tone. I wanted to cry.. But i can't.. Grace n siewteng were there supporting me and giving me advices..

Siew teng heard our conversation on Grace's earpiece.. She said.. How come he like this one?

I told myself... No! You have misunderstood.. He is not like this de.. Perhaps i stressed him too much...

But i shut up and squat down and cried...

The man i once loved.. and who loved me once... treated me like this...

Do u think all dese is fair to me?

You told me that 5 of your friends who either went overseas or their partners went overseas have broken up.. I wanted so much to ask you.. Who r this farking friends of yours? But i din, i tried my best to reassure you again and again..

I told you that my pain will never go away.. You said that it will... Eventually... And if fate still permist, we could still get back together... And that you totally believe in fate...

I want so much to get back with you.. Right now.. But i know u r just plain farkin selfish.. farking irresponsible.. You din even consider what i was feeling... How much pain i felt....

Perhaps u dun feel any pain...

How i interpreted the sentence.. " It's not i totally dun love you anymore". It meant... Your love for me has decreased by a damn huge portion.. And i dont know why.. and what.. have i done to make u feel like this? I know u purposely make us drift apart for the past month b4 we broke up.. So that it maybe could be easier for u to get over it when we actually broke up...

You smsed me before my exams... and told me not to think so much and ask me to concentrate on my exams... I did of course, rather than spend my days crying and wasting my parents money to send me thrg poly... In fact i scored BETTER compared to when u were with me..

Perhaps u r with other girls already.. I don't know... Although i miss you and love you... I wanna forget u in the fastest speed... Because i wanna start loving myself... I know it's not worth it... You said u love me but u din even consider what i was feeling but just left me to farking die out of broke up sadness..

SHIT YOU OK!

Friends. dont comment on this entry. Just listen to me. All i need is a listening ear.

I don't know what happened to this r/s when i gave it my ALL, i loved you with WHAT i have..

You told me that you r not my everything... I still have all my buddies, friends and families..

But what u did not know was, You were my everything... You were my world...

Thats why my pain is so much more and much more extreme than YOURS.

i finally CRIED after about 20 days since my last cry. And it lasted for 1 min.